Ppffttt.....

That's all I have left. Ppffttt...

In January I set a goal to get to the gym and bike 50 miles. I crushed that goal by over double.

I gained weight.

In February I set a goal to stick to a weights program. I found a beginner's back to weight lifting 4 week program.

I gained weight.

In March I said ok. Clearly I am doing this all wrong. How about more cardio and push your own limits. Got to an upper/lower body alternating schedule. AND mind what you are eating. A couple splurges for my guys birthday but over all been vastly improving my binge eating. Also showed up to the gym on more days than not. And thought I was killing it.

I gained fucking weight. I am officially at my own personal all time high.

So I am desperate. And fell into the It Works! Bandwagon. Whatever. Here we go. I am hoping that at least the placebo effect kicks in and I stop eating I guess.

I wake sad and mad and disappointed. I'm disgusted every time I eat, even if it is good choices and wish I were strong enough to be anorexic.

In preparation to starting It Works! I cut carbs except for right after waking in the morning and after the gym. I haven't had soda in ages. Cut fast food for me which is hard on busy busy days.

It all fucking sucks. I sought out living a healthier life to cut out all the prescriptions from my life...ironic that my morning looks like this anyway.

I don't want to wake only to be disappointed....again

I fucking hate trying to lose weight!

I have showed up at the gym more this year than ever. Like for real.

Yet when I wake every morning I feel like hulk is trying to push out of my skin. Everything feels sore and swollen. I feel thicker with each sunrise and I don't understand. I drink so much water now. No soda. Occasion juice if it is all natural. I even cut out sparkling water.

Everyday I am sad to wake and sad to eat. I truly hate myself for eating but can't figure out how to sustain energy without eating.

The month of March had found me pushing harder at the gym. Heavier weight, keeping on plan and what I thought was killing it on the elliptical. All for nothing.

Of course I have weak moments eating. But I track each day. See where I went wrong and correct. Compared to last year. I have cut out SO MUCH fast food and sugars. There should be at least a minute Iota of change. But fucking nothing. I hate this life. 😣😢

Fat sucks

I don't know how to begin this journey but change must come.

I follow fitspo types on social media in awe.
Join Jessica XO
LobsGetsFit
Running In the Village (personal friend)
Tesia


I research food and exercise plans.

I joined a gym.
Planet Fitness

Only in the last couple years I have gone from a small/medium to a large/extra.

I am doing what I can to overhaul my mindset but it is minute by minute struggle.


Yesterday, while at the gym I was watching a stand up special with Ricky Gervais. Oddly enough something he spoke on about fat people laid it out for me. I thought "excellent point" and "thanks for making it so simple".
https://youtu.be/l4YZiKbklAE

I've been to the gym, weight with cardio for 2 full weeks and I look pregnant as fuck. I mostly ate decent but through it all away this weekend with far too much pad thai, burgers with buns and basic over indulgence.

So, today I try to remember this blubber is all made my my choosing and my choosing alone.


#fatsucks #PF #rickygervais #changemindset #fitspo

Trust in the process

I fucking hate this saying. I started a 4 week weight lifting plan designed for beginners or those returning after time off. Eating has been decent, minus a couple cabs days. I've showed up at the gym, even when I was so exhausted from life. And THIS is my stomach on week 3.

Apparently I am having a "trust in the process" baby?!? no fucking clue. All I know is I want to quit so hard, this can't be real.

I google looking for answers. To find I am not alone. I can't find anyone having this drastic of an issue. I have read a couple articles on how you may gain weight before the fat drops off. But for now? every day it gets worse! I hate my body even more than when I started.

#selfbodyshame #foodbaby #fitmyass #trustintheprocess

A clear day on a long road

I don't know how long I've been asleep. By asleep, I mean in a miserable, down and depressed state. I don't like to say that publicly because if could come back to haunt me in the wrong hands. But that is another story...

Today, I am a leggings girl. I will wear them out and try to love what I have done to my body. #lularoe #fatgirl #depressionsucks #loveyourbody

Oh, your pants don't fit today?

Keep trusting in the process.

Fuck the process!

On Wednesday I was plump but feeling alright. Pants had some wiggle room. Saturday the same pants are smashed into my stomach line.

I may have had pizza and pasta but I kept it within reason AND got to the gym for an excellent leg workout and decent elliptical jog with intervals at level 8.

Fucking bullshit and sadness is all I feel about trying to retouch my mind during this time.